New Normal, Nithing, and Necrophilia

So if that title didn’t get your attention I am rather surprised. What follow is purely personal, and not taken from any sources anywhere else. And consider this the standard CW/TW for content.

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So, that should be far enough to keep accidental notice of the writing, and if the pic didn’t put you off, welcome! Keep reading and I hope that maybe it will make someone else feel not as alone as I do. If the pic turned you on, well I don’t kink-shame.

The title pretty much sums up life at the moment I think. While I can’t speak for everyone, I can for myself and isn’t that what this is for? A running journal in the life of a Lokean? So dear readers here we go.

Rage. Anger. Irritation. Depression. Worthlessness. Laughter. Self-Hate and Loathing. Overpowering Love. Mundane Living. Dying Slowly. Paranoia. Just a few of the themes in my life lately. As a disabled vet and a person that isn’t a fan of people in general (Get off my lawn before I set you on fire!), I tended to Hermit myself anyway. So what everyone is calling the “New Normal” I am actually loving it. Limited people in stores? A 6 foot personal bubble? Fuck yes! I am having an easier time being in public places than I have in a long time! I’ve been social distancing for a while so for me this change isn’t that great of a thing.

The stumble is at home. Family challenges to put it mildly, enough so that I am nearly ready to declare one of my own blood as Nithing because of something they did. Yes the state got involved, yes we have had visitation from CPS (Child Protective Services), and yes said blood is no longer anywhere near. The damage however is done and my youngest daughter is safe. I know all this. My oldest child has even decided that she wants to stay with us! So the logic sides of me are overjoyed with this complete feeling.

What I witnessed being done with my toddler by another family member I cannot move past, cannot let go. Love and Hate are twisting inside me and being pulled by Rage. It took place in my home, the sanctuary for everyone. And as a Father I failed my toddler and the other family member. I have been a heartbeat away from declaring them Nithing and yet I cannot bring myself to do it. I am supposed to be able to protect my family, keep them safe. And this happened under my roof, on my watch. Trust was instantly gone, replaced by a white hot anger that felt like burning ice in my veins. What am I supposed to feel? How do I react to what I witnessed? It is burned in my memory and I won’t be forgetting any time soon. The threat to my toddler was removed from my home in less than 24 hours and taken literal states away.

It has caused a mental domino effect and triggered my own paranoia and hyper awareness so that my PTSD and depression have come roaring back. Anxiety is running rampant and I do whatever I can just to not think, it hurts so deeply. I have failed and nothing can change that. I failed to protect, to properly nurture, to be a father. Parents out there can understand what I’m talking about. Mundane life has me spinning and feeling like I just took a K.O. blow to the soul. I… I feel dead inside, questioning how anyone can care for me after that failure. Feels as if these people are loving a corpse, a shambling dead thing that can only go through the motions. I have turned as numb as I can just to function.

I know, I know, you have to face things. When I do I am going to be an absolute mess and will need to be cared for, something that just simply cannot be done for the welfare of hearth and home and family. Too much to be done as yet. I mean, I have been assigned a therapist, and they are very good. Still, the inner void continues to grow. And this time it is growing quickly.

As a Lokean how do I cope, how do I deal with the turmoil? I trust in my path. I seek guidance from my Patron and hope for some comfort in my beliefs. I read the Lokasenna and look for guidance through His trials. The Havamal offers some mantras that offer some comfort. Yet, like you, I am mortal and not a Divine Being. I am flawed and broken, often driven by emotions for better or worse. I have even begun to question my worth as a devotee to Loki, are my failures too great and will I be cast out? My body is a broken machine that can never be fixed. My mind and heart are once again cast to the four winds. What isn’t empty is filled with doubt and rage and loss. I’m writing at the behest of a beloved friend and sister, otherwise I would be keeping this to myself. I am NOT looking for pity or anything like it. I do NOT want charity. I put these words down in the hope of lifting a tiny bit of weight. My amazing wife stands with me, my daughters… well toddler and a teenager. Yet all 3 are still giving me love and support that I feel I do not deserve, that they are trying to animate a dead man.

Today is the 22nd of April. It’s my oldest and dearest friends birthday. It is also the New Moon and a day for rituals. I still feel His presence and that is both comforting and frightening right now. Tonight I mark and tie myself to the land here, make offering to the Wights, and more. Perhaps how it goes will be my next entry.

The Next Step, Rebuilding from Breaking

I am a disabled vet and have physical problems that limit me in various and pride killing ways. I cannot stand and walk without aid from a cane and went for a very long time with my only relief coming from overdosing daily on Tylenol because Doctors refused to prescribe something for pain because tests kept coming back negative for problems. Something I know that far too many people are familiar with. Finally one listened and I was prescribed Gabapentin, and life has gotten better. Mechanical problems remain, but the pain is greatly lessened. 

I do no say these things to garner pity or sympathy and want none. I speak of it for context for the words to come. A basis of understanding how I came to the realizations that I have come to. 

Most days I am stuck in a chair while trying to care for a very active and curious little blonde three year old Valkyrie. Hey don’t judge, she has a sword and chain mail coif and battle steed named Mommy. We’re working on the battle cry, “FOR FREYA!!”. 

What I suppose I am saying is that I have had a very good amount of time to think and reflect. A real chance to look into my own mirror and study the flaws and defects within the reflection. Was it painful? Of course it was, but it was also freeing in a way. Because of the Breaking Rite I went through (covered in The Breakening), I had a lot of , well, crap released that I had put aside to be able to deal with more immediate things and never got back to. Well now these things are coming crashing back in and old ghosts are screaming back with a vengeance. 

Many, many realizations from over the past seven years. Some are freeing and good things where I look back and can say with certainty there was no reason to hold that, it was needed, or I was not at fault despite feeling like I was. Others… not so much. All that time ago I had become a toxic person full of rage and spitting spite like venom anytime I could. Unfortunately one of the targets for that was my fiance. By all rights she should have left, saved herself and ran. Yet she stood by me, despite the poison. 

Then I had a mental break, and it was bad. Fetal position, crying, couldn’t move, shaking type of bad. After that those three words came out my mouth that would change everything. I NEED HELP. It wasn’t just a request or a begging, but an admission at the same time. And I sought out that help. Now I have the medications I need, and am in regular therapy. I can proudly say I am a different person in a great many positive ways. 

See, Loki is all about holding that mirror out and so very often we are called on to hold that mirror to others, but we also have to hold it to ourselves. How can we dare presume to think others should face their Truths if we are unable to face our own? We are not above the Truth, not immune to it, nor should we be. Hence why so many actively seek out to do Shadow Work (if this is an unfamiliar term feel free to message me or ask around) and self improve. 

Which brings me to my present. I had a long, productive, and wonderful conversation with my wife about the way I was, her need and wants going forward, what can be done for her happiness. My wife is my best friend and we have been together for a decade and married for six years. I love her deeply then as now. But a decade and people change, it’s a given thing. And I swore to her I was going nowhere and let her know that I was no longer afraid of her leaving (self image issues on my part).

The next thing I realized that to continue in this vein of breaking so I can become lighter again is that I MUST continue with spiritual work. But I am unable to truly move forward due to being held back by the past. It occurred to me that I have to cut out the festering wounds where those threads are bound. So back I go, to where many of my problems started. I have to go home, the place I grew up, where abuse started and so many of my ideas of self were cemented. 

One other and myself will take a trip and together we will perform a rite to cut, burn, and destroy the bonds holding me back there. Granted it’s only one step, but a step nonetheless. I will face the abuse done in that collapsing old house. I will scream and rage. I will NOT go until I am free and that place no longer has a hold over me! With fire and blood and sacrifice I will sever all bounds  to that trap me!

Hail Loki! Hail Freedom!

The Trauma of a Trickster

CW: This post will be talking of many and varied forms of trauma. Please be aware of this before reading and skip over this particular one.

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That being said and out of the way, I’m guessing that if you are still reading your curiosity is piqued. Let me state, as always, these are personal views and observations therefor capable of being wrong. 

The broken. The lost. The abused and tossed aside. Sexuality and gender identification aside, let me point out a painful elephant in the room whose trunk is a viper. Trauma. Depression of all forms. Bipolar Disorders. ADHD, ODD, ADD alphabet soup. Neurodivergence in all it’s forms. It is a shared think among those who hear the call of Loki. Why? Well I want to step back and look at the pantheon.

The Aesir fuck up and in Divine manner. The Vanir are full of self righteousness. And the Jotun are a bunch of literal monsters. Through the lens of MOST mortals’ eyes. And yet here we are throwing in with the lot of them. Precisely because these Gods and Goddesses are NOT perfection incarnate, and therefor are more relatable to us poor pitiful humans. We are able to talk to our Deities as if they were sitting at a table with us instead of ritual prayer. (Recons I’m looking at you) But if they are so messed up why the sudden upswing in Heathenry? Simple. Been to the Theater lately? I love and adore the Marvel movies, and they have led many a wanderer to the Heathen path. A few even stick around because the call of the Gods/Goddesses in their heart. 

But of all the many Deities, why Loki? Well allow this follower to explain what drew me to Him. I started walking the Heathen path at around 16 not because of Marvel, but because of a set of Ralph Blum Runes. I know, I know don’t lynch me. While the book was heavily Christian influenced, it DID get me curious. So I started what would become a very long search and eventually found Loki (who was all “Took your ass long enough”). But why him, why the figure destined to be the Worldbreaker? Because He was Asgard’s scapegoat. He was the often the one teased for appearing thin and effeminate. He allowed himself to be abused and used and humiliated just for the sake of others. He had his mouth sewn shut (shut up, don’t care, point is he didn’t back down from it). In the end his own beloved blood-brother turned on him and strapped his to a rock with THE INTESTINES OF HIS OWN CHILD!

Now I personally grew up in a mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive home. One parent abused, the other just looked on.  I dedicated myself to Loki because of all the Gods, He understood. I went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. People I loved got what they wanted and left. He stood with me. As I grew older I enlisted, for my own reasons mind you, but I still did all the training and became part of the modern day warrior class, a soldier. For four years I called Germany home and I LOVED it. From there I got to travel all over Europe and was technically deployed to Croatia/Kosovo. Served my 4 years with honor and came home.

Started a family, bought a house, got a decent job, the whole thing. My life was ok, not what I expected, but ok. My wife at the time wasn’t really a practicing pagan and my devotionals to Loki weren’t as often as I would have liked, but all in all I didn’t think I had the right to complain. As the man, this was my lot in life and I should be happy for it. Deep down? Not so much. I hated where we lived, I hated the job despite the pay, even started to resent my wife at the time for trapping me. We had a daughter together and when she was barely a year old my life came toppling down.

You see despite all the abuses I didn’t think I was being abused. I was a cock with a paycheck and figured that was all I was good for. Hell, even got loaned out a time or two. But I was a guy and supposed to like it right? Anyway, I digress.

My Dad showed up at the door one day with a letter addressed to me from the Department of Defense ordering me to the nearest base for retraining as I was being reactivated. You see, when you sign up with the US Army it is an eight year contract, period. I served four active duty which meant after I was discharged I was in the IRR (Individual Ready Reserves) and could be called back to active duty in times of emergency, but hey that hadn’t happened since Vietnam. Yup…..  So off I go, training and nearest facility, transfer to Ft. Bragg, more training, then in the silver bird and off to the sandbox. 

Condensed version is that I saw and did quite a bit and came back home with more than a few souvenirs. Things like Anxiety disorder which led to Agoraphobia. PTSD and all the fun side effects. And I was further broken. Guess what? He was still there. Through it all, including the madness that followed after I was home. And when I was ready, He showed me a way out of the pit and dared me to use it. I did.

Some who find Loki or even other Tricksters aren’t carrying any kind of trauma, but there are a great number who are folks. Lokeans who have all their life been called things like worthless, stupid, pathetic, useless, unwanted, poster child for abortion (one of my personal pet names from home), that they would never amount to anything. 

Lokeans who have spent most of their life beaten and bloodied for simply being too loud as a child. Burned with cigarettes. Beaten until the literally could not sit because of bleeding welts on butt and thigh. Limbs twisted so violently they snapped yet the fell on their bike or down the stairs. The pain inflicted by those who are supposed to love and nurture is a betrayal that tends to hang around oh like, I don’t know, maybe a lifetime?

Devotees to Papa who have been gaslighted and emotionally manipulated. We here things like This is just between us, making you feel like it’s a grand shared secret. People will never believe you. You looked gay so you must have liked it. I’m the only one that can put up with you. Now see what you did or See what you made me do? Always, always, always our fault. WE caused them to lose control. WE aroused them so much that they couldn’t stand it. WE were the one just begging for it. WE were the ones that should have said that. 

If you have made it this far, that is grand and I’m happy for you. Because here is a very important message. After so much abuse, so much trauma we feel like monsters, things. Why Loki? Who better for us than the Mother/Father of monsters? Who better than one that know trauma and torture and betrayal intimately? Some will try to tell you that only madness waits with Loki. I say only if you deserve it. For Loki, Sygin, Angraboda, and all the others of the Lightning Tribe of the Iron Wood wait. With crooked grins, good stories and a space by the fire for another broken soul, another monster or misfit.

Loki teaches not just humor, but resilience in the face of adversity. How to make what was broken whole. That scars can be beautiful and like armor at the same time. That monsters have as much capacity for love and loyalty as they do destruction. Because the souls called to him all bear one thing in common in some way that at least I have found. They bear the hard earned title of Survivor. And Loki can show you how to thrive.

So welcome home.

Hail Loki! Hail the Survivors!