(Insert Catchy Title) or Screw you, brain

Well. I suppose a bit of a CW;TW is fair here. Mental health/illness/problems, suicidal thoughts/ideations, and other bits of personal whining.

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Ok, should be far enough for most previews.

One of the things that I have accepted as a Lokean is that change is a constant. In my life and in the world around me. Situations arise constantly that are changing how I interact with the world and that isn’t a bad thing. Scary for some sure, but not bad. Except when it is.

You see, for some reason that I do not know I went into a major depressive state yesterday afternoon and can’t figure out the why. While life has been far from sunshine and rainbows it has actually been rather good. My family has a place of our own, plenty of food, financially stable, just in a very good place as of right now. So why my brain shifted gears from “We’re Good! We’re Good! We’re Good!” to “We need to eat a bullet!” kinda took me by surprise.

Before anyone goes there, no I’m not fucking seeking attention. I know that I am Neurodivergent and have made peace with that. Then why am I writing this? To help myself work through it. To help others they may face the same thing and know they aren’t alone or going insane for it just happening.

Honestly I’m pissed at myself for feeling this way. What fucking reason do I have to feel like this? There is no obvious reason or trigger or event that has done anything to cause this so why? Why can’t I get my shit together and just move past it? Why is it every ten minutes has me thinking about horrible things? While the logical side of me know the answers, let me tell you folks; it sure doesn’t help the emotional side that is in charge right now. The side that wants to shuffle off into Oblivion. I won’t mind you, and as of right now I’m not in danger, at least I’m pretty sure. Been down this slide before.

What is getting me is that this time there was no obvious reason. It was sudden, hard, and upside the head. No fucking discernible reason. Let me tell you, that’s something that will fuck with you. And it isn’t just depression, oh no. Brought along it’s buddies fear and anxiety as well. I also have no idea how long those three are going to hang out either. Never do.

So what the Hel am I doing writing about this here in a public forum? What does it have to do with being Lokean or Rokkatru? What the fuck, man? Simple. There are a great many who suffer in silence. Who, like me, the moment they step out of their house slip on that perfected mask and will laugh and help and do. This I have noticed especially amongst Heathens, doubly so for Lokean and the Rokkatru. Perceived weakness and all that, even if those around us see it as a fight, we see it as being weak unable to control our own minds and feelings.

Which brings me to that whole “Ask for Help” movement. FUCK. THAT. The average person has absolutely no CLUE what is takes to ask for help, to admit that we feel the way we do because of so many reasons. Fear of judgement, of being shunned like we are contagious, of losing those we love. Shame that we aren’t strong, aren’t in control, that we feel this way in the first place. Embarrassment that will cause lies about reasons to why we can’t go out, or work, or deal with everyday life. Whether true are not we feel like failures.

Writing this, just writing this, I personally feel physically ill. Nausea, light headed, near panic, racing heart, the whole thing because I am determined to publish this. More of us, especially in the Heathen/Rokkatru community need to know that we are not alone, that there are those out here like us. We need to know that we can find a safe place to take off our masks. To shift into ourselves instead of the being that we are expected to be. And a great many of us aren’t even able to do that at our best times.

I fight this every gods-damned day, and recently have kept it at bay with a LOT of help of various forms, loved ones and community not the least among them. Some of you may be asking about that, about how to find an accepting community. I wish I could tell you how to do this, but I cannot because we are each wonderfully different. For me, I made that community. I used social media and formed a group and made a page (both of which this will be posted on).

All I can say to others out there, other Lokeans, other Rokkatru, my Tribe and people is don’t give up. Asking for help is one of the hardest things any of us will ever do, and some of us may not be able to at all. For those I hope that there are those that will ask you instead. If they do, tell them honestly how you are feeling. Please.

Now if you will excuse me I have a voice to go and argue with about some unsavory things.

A Non-Neurotypical Lokean

Tricksters. Often seen as fools, jesters, clowns. Or thieves, manipulators, villains. Scapegoats, teachers, guides, meat-shields. The mad genius. The lucky idiot. The wise fool. Comic relief. Tricksters.

Rarely are they seen for the what they are save by those who follow and/or study and/or work with them regularly. They are figures not to be pitied but respected. Too often I see followers of Trickster disrespected and laughed at for the patron that called to their heart and the fire inside me surges at this form of isolating. Ignored because they are the funny one, the one that is just there to get people to laugh. Modern life tells that the Trickster has taken the roll of clown, to teach lessons only by foolishly showing what NOT to do. And yes, there are times when that is true.

It has been forgotten the roll of a jester among a court. The place of the fool. You see, in royal courts these were the only ones allowed to openly mock the Gentry and the Crown. To remind them of their humanity. Often the Jester was one of the MOST trusted advisors. And was also who was turned to when a problem needed to disappear.

By now I’m pretty sure you are asking what this has to do with non-neurotypicals and Loki. Well the Loki connection should be obvious and as for the other? Let’s face it folks, those who are truly “right in the head” are very unlikely to hear the call of the Trickster.

I am beginning a down slide and I know that is ok. My Patron isn’t going to demand me to get it together. He will be there as I fall into the shadowed valley, in my heart. It is partly faith that will see me through along with loved ones and modern medicine. But He is there because Flamehair knows the dark places well. To dwell in madness is to see the world through a fractured lens, one that shows different angles. One that can pierce illusions, not only about others but about ourselves.

I hear all this talk of how Loki appears to people, how he is seen. So very similar descriptions that the form has become accepted, and that in itself makes me laugh as Loki is a shapeshifter. For me he appears as he needs, not as I want. Yes, often it is an older male to me, scarred lips, deep red hair, palish skin. He wears more modern clothing, but is most often partially shadowed with a cheshire grin, at least when he shows in good times. When I am seeking certain things I see and deal with other aspects. Modern Loki is, to me, who I just described. When He comes to me as the Bound One, there is an aura of pain and rage and madness. When I see the Father, He is calmer, radiates Power and Fire, has a beard neatly trimmed. The presence of the World Breaker is both terrifying and exhilarating to me. All are seen for a reason, a purpose. And my cracked, non-neurotypical brain connects to each of them, allows me to see/feel/speak with these different aspects. Yes, they are all Loki but each a different form.

I have encountered him as a great black wolf, and a shining carapaced spider that was much larger than it needed to be. He has come to me as a woman of middle-eastern descent, but still had the red hair (that encounter is a story of its own). Cat, hound, human, and more.

Even in my deepest depressions, when I find I have a plan to finally cross the veil and the will to enact it, I stop. A whisper, a memory, or serendipity happens. Suddenly and with no reason, just enough to pull me away from that edge.

In moments of panic and anxiety, I feel warmth and in my mind hear the crackle of fire. Just that little thing allows me to reach out for help or to let out the tears to cleanse my spirit.

When my PTSD flares, be it night-terrors or flashbacks or whatever, I hear in my heart, “Ride the storm, it will end. You survived. You will survive.”

For me Loki and my being non-neurotypical make that connection of faith stronger. Yes, here in Midgard it just serves to segregate me further from the “norm” and place me in boxes with many many people and agencies. I don’t care anymore. I look around at the world and ask myself, “This is normal? I want no part.”

So Loki does all this for me, what does He get? Devotion, loyalty, and faith to start. He has set me on a journey (and it is a strange one) to learn who I am. I don’t paint it in some sugary light, I know it is so that I can serve him better, to become what I am meant to be. My mental conditions are more types than mentioned here. I have my own UPG from listening, reading between the lines, thinking for myself, believing the lore should evolve with the times, speaking with spirits and wight and Disir and what I hear on spirit walks.

And let me tell you this; the Trickster will bring you laughter and lessons, but there is always a blade at the ready somewhere. Papa Flamehair has shown me terrifying vistas during walks and talks, spoke of horrible things. He asks for steep prices at times in His patronage. I will always pay willingly, though not always without question. I am no sheep and I will not be led blindly to a slaughter, not even by a God. Nor is the God whom is my patron.

So even in my darkest hours, my faith is there. I know I will walk with my ancestors and that I will never walk in Valhalla, even if I die in battle. One day the depression and other odd brain wiring may win. But not today. Today I choose my family, my friends, and my faith. And the pain will be endured.

Even when the demon Depression is on me, I will remember the beauty of the shadow, the twilight, and the fire. And I will journey on.