So if that title didn’t get your attention I am rather surprised. What follow is purely personal, and not taken from any sources anywhere else. And consider this the standard CW/TW for content.
So, that should be far enough to keep accidental notice of the writing, and if the pic didn’t put you off, welcome! Keep reading and I hope that maybe it will make someone else feel not as alone as I do. If the pic turned you on, well I don’t kink-shame.
The title pretty much sums up life at the moment I think. While I can’t speak for everyone, I can for myself and isn’t that what this is for? A running journal in the life of a Lokean? So dear readers here we go.
Rage. Anger. Irritation. Depression. Worthlessness. Laughter. Self-Hate and Loathing. Overpowering Love. Mundane Living. Dying Slowly. Paranoia. Just a few of the themes in my life lately. As a disabled vet and a person that isn’t a fan of people in general (Get off my lawn before I set you on fire!), I tended to Hermit myself anyway. So what everyone is calling the “New Normal” I am actually loving it. Limited people in stores? A 6 foot personal bubble? Fuck yes! I am having an easier time being in public places than I have in a long time! I’ve been social distancing for a while so for me this change isn’t that great of a thing.
The stumble is at home. Family challenges to put it mildly, enough so that I am nearly ready to declare one of my own blood as Nithing because of something they did. Yes the state got involved, yes we have had visitation from CPS (Child Protective Services), and yes said blood is no longer anywhere near. The damage however is done and my youngest daughter is safe. I know all this. My oldest child has even decided that she wants to stay with us! So the logic sides of me are overjoyed with this complete feeling.
What I witnessed being done with my toddler by another family member I cannot move past, cannot let go. Love and Hate are twisting inside me and being pulled by Rage. It took place in my home, the sanctuary for everyone. And as a Father I failed my toddler and the other family member. I have been a heartbeat away from declaring them Nithing and yet I cannot bring myself to do it. I am supposed to be able to protect my family, keep them safe. And this happened under my roof, on my watch. Trust was instantly gone, replaced by a white hot anger that felt like burning ice in my veins. What am I supposed to feel? How do I react to what I witnessed? It is burned in my memory and I won’t be forgetting any time soon. The threat to my toddler was removed from my home in less than 24 hours and taken literal states away.
It has caused a mental domino effect and triggered my own paranoia and hyper awareness so that my PTSD and depression have come roaring back. Anxiety is running rampant and I do whatever I can just to not think, it hurts so deeply. I have failed and nothing can change that. I failed to protect, to properly nurture, to be a father. Parents out there can understand what I’m talking about. Mundane life has me spinning and feeling like I just took a K.O. blow to the soul. I… I feel dead inside, questioning how anyone can care for me after that failure. Feels as if these people are loving a corpse, a shambling dead thing that can only go through the motions. I have turned as numb as I can just to function.
I know, I know, you have to face things. When I do I am going to be an absolute mess and will need to be cared for, something that just simply cannot be done for the welfare of hearth and home and family. Too much to be done as yet. I mean, I have been assigned a therapist, and they are very good. Still, the inner void continues to grow. And this time it is growing quickly.
As a Lokean how do I cope, how do I deal with the turmoil? I trust in my path. I seek guidance from my Patron and hope for some comfort in my beliefs. I read the Lokasenna and look for guidance through His trials. The Havamal offers some mantras that offer some comfort. Yet, like you, I am mortal and not a Divine Being. I am flawed and broken, often driven by emotions for better or worse. I have even begun to question my worth as a devotee to Loki, are my failures too great and will I be cast out? My body is a broken machine that can never be fixed. My mind and heart are once again cast to the four winds. What isn’t empty is filled with doubt and rage and loss. I’m writing at the behest of a beloved friend and sister, otherwise I would be keeping this to myself. I am NOT looking for pity or anything like it. I do NOT want charity. I put these words down in the hope of lifting a tiny bit of weight. My amazing wife stands with me, my daughters… well toddler and a teenager. Yet all 3 are still giving me love and support that I feel I do not deserve, that they are trying to animate a dead man.
Today is the 22nd of April. It’s my oldest and dearest friends birthday. It is also the New Moon and a day for rituals. I still feel His presence and that is both comforting and frightening right now. Tonight I mark and tie myself to the land here, make offering to the Wights, and more. Perhaps how it goes will be my next entry.