So. Been a little while. I think that I have been afraid to write here, a crushing imposter syndrome having me stuck.
The Midgard Trial has been one very long and I am entirely certain that it’s not finished with me yet. Too many years walking with one foot in* has kept me from fully taking in the dull entropy that serves as the day to day. The atrophy that can be caused by absolute domestication, the entropy that will begin to devour a spiritual person when they have no contact with the other side. It is so very easy to slide into patterns and routines that become the whole of life, and you begin to live a life dull and grey.
There are many born into this world, this plane, that have a stronger connection than others. The greatest number of those are forced into assimilation of the culture they are born into and that part of them withers, a flame reduced to barely an ember. Few ever choose to feed that, to ignite it, for fear of being labeled different, allowing the Super Ego to win. They live a life of grey and repetition. Is it any wonder that humanity is violent? Trying to break free, unable to do so, and turning to anger that demands a target. That target becomes the different, the odd, the ones that can live in color.
Ever wonder why humanity has so very much hatred? Such a need for targets, and violence; the darkest parts of the mind and soul taking control. It is something that becomes ingrained into our very being by ancestors and family and community. Black against White against Colors. Religion versus religion. Shouldn’t we have evolved by now? It comes down to a simple thing, really. We won’t let each other. So long as the majority of humanity fears to let go of the chains, chains that aren’t even locked, chains of grey.
What does this have to do with being Lokean? With being Pagan, or the Trial of Midgard? Understanding. I feel like I am drowning in a murky sea of blandness and apathy. Without the foot in, with both feet firmly in the realm of solid form and flesh, it feels like suffocation. How? How do people live like this is the question and it is my trial to understand, to live it. A Lokean should know and more importantly UNDERSTAND the world in which they live. Then can we enact change, REAL change. Once that understanding reaches us, becomes a part of us, we can see a little of how Loki sees. Grey is still a color and has its place in creation, but what do we do to bring change and chaos?
We become that which the grey fears. We bring color into the eyes of others with joy and laughter and the fire of passion and hope. We leap and dance and refuse to let the chains wrap around us. We find one another, our Tribe, for that is what we are. Lokean, Rokkatru isn’t a religion no; it doesn’t have the restrictions and laws and demands. We are always on the outside, because of who we are. We are each unique and colorful, there by we are shunned. While we may never be heard as an individual on the national or global stage (I can only truly speak for myself here), we can be heard by those around us. Let the world see how we live. To raise our children without locking them into the chains we were, but teaching them what each of the links are for. Going out and forming bonds not of chains but of choice.
When looking out into the world, without the touch of spirit, I see why there is so much bleak negativity. The world is filled with fear, but the fear I see most is fear of the unknown. A primal fear of the different, a xenophobic world view that can come in the forms of racism, bigotry, misogyny leading to not only the isolation of the individual but the community. A need to keep anything different away, and the greater the difference the greater that need to the point of violence and subjugation. This isn’t only localized on white CIS men, it can happen in any group that grows large enough.
Pagans are NOT immune to this. Hatred, blatant and without reason, against anything Christian or followers of the White Christ (who in actuality was probably brown, sorry not sorry). Those of us who are under the “Pagan” umbrella and not untainted by racism, bigotry, or predatory individuals. It is the downside of being accepting and open that such people are able to get inside. Thus we find the paradox. Acceptance or xenophobic mindset? Neither are very good when jumped into completely for to do so is to invite the evils of humanity into the circle. How do we navigate such a enigma safely, creating an environment where all people feel safe? Vigilance. We stand and we do not tolerate hatred. We become intolerant of intolerance.
Again, what does this have to do with Lokeans? We are the ones that point out the darkness that seeps in because we walk in the shadows. Loki teaches us that it is often the outsider that has to fix things, because the outsider is the one that sees things differently, clearly when others cannot see the answer. It is the outsider that brings light, hard won from the shadows. He shows us what it is to be the example of what NOT to do (tying your genitals to a goat isn’t recommended). He shows us that thinking outside the box is unnecessary because there is no box for those of us who can see.
Many called to him are societal outcasts. Survivors, victims, children of the Rainbow are drawn to Loki and the Rokkr because we are so like Them. Broken, scarred, and shunned by most others. It is easy and fertile ground for predators as Lokeans. We ache with a need to belong and will do anything to find that. And so those of us that have been walking this Path with the Redhead for a while must be vigilant. We must watch out for those only here for the purpose of using Papa Flamehair as an excuse to be assholes and manipulators.
Oh yes, I know myself. I am broken and reassembled, most recently on purpose with the help of a Blackthorne (no I will not explain that one 😉 ). My nature is a predatory one, but I choose my prey. I keep it put away as I am a husband and a father so I keep a very tight hold on that side of me, keeping that very deep darkness tucked safely away. To answer your question, yes I do know that compared to what I just wrote earlier this is hypocritical. Understand it is my choice though, and yes it is maddening. Picture a beast meant to run free but kept in an enclosure to only pace back and forth, a creature whose spirit would not be broken yet is kept somewhere behind locked doors.
I do it by choice, out of love for my family. It may never again run free, and yes it hurts my heart and spirit. Yet when I look in the eyes of my children and see their love, I know why I do it. When my wife smiles and kisses me I know why I do it. Children that I am able to love and teach and show them a world I can share with my wife, a world of colors.
Seems bland doesn’t it? Domesticated life. Who am I to talk about chaos and color when I choose to live like I do? I am Lokean to the core. My soul is dedicated to Loki, and I honor him by loving my family without restriction on who they are, as he does with his. By accepting others for who they are and giving respect freely until shown it isn’t deserved. To welcome the different with open arms and learn from that difference, rejoice in it.
Perhaps one day I will speak, well write, on how my life came to this point, but not today. No, today is about that which is much greater than myself; others and the living of life in Midgard. Midgard is grey and filled with hurt and pain, but if you look, if you convince others to look, there is beauty that will bring the soul to tears. So yes, my life has come to domestication, and yes a part of me rages against it. Yes, I live among the grey. But I am not a part of it. I am Lokean, and the swirling chaos of color is beautiful. A beauty I can and will pass onto my children no matter what path they choose in life so that their path has colors. Am I mad? Most certainly I think. I have made my choices though, choosing color.
I wonder… what will you choose?