WARNING: This is a brain dump, heart dump, and a me whining post. Feel free to skip.
I know, been a bit since the last post. Honestly my mind hasn’t been in a frame of mind for a good blog article and that really hasn’t changed. I’ve had no real subject strike me as worth writing about (yet) and after a recent medical procedure I have just been really rather tired. ALL. THE. TIME.
I am making steps along my Path of Ordeals with Jotunheim most recently completed, and honestly still trying to process that. Since that Ordeal dreams have been coming more and more, and while I feel they are important in some way it certainly isn’t the OMG THE EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED IN TEN DAYS type of important.
Getting lost in one’s head can be a real suck at times, at least I know it is for me. I begin to question things I know are true and real, doubt the things that are rock solid. Yes, nearly everyday. My family, my choices, my Path, all up for grabs in aisle 3: Questions and Doubts.
I’m called Ghodi by some, Elder by others, and some other worse things from a few. However when I am called these things, it is not because I have introduced myself as such or said “this is my title”. Hel knows I have never went through any kind of officially accredited program for Pagan clergy and the one time I did my money was taken and not a damn thing given in return (totally different rant). All my knowledge, all my skills are self taught, traded for, or come from being lucky enough to share campfires with knowledgeable Elders that had access to Mead. (Eyeballs a certain wizard)
So the truth is that when I am called such I am never truly sure how to react. I haven’t undergone any ceremony to be granted such a title. I am 44 and yes, my beard is white and silver, but does that make me an Elder? I have studied a great deal of lore and drawn many conclusions from it about my path, studied writings both old and new, know of rituals and magics and ceremonies, but does that make me Ghodi? When I am called these things it seems rather surreal to me. I ask myself often what makes me worthy of such names? Imposter Syndrome, it’s real folks. Here’s the kicker. I know I am not the only one to feel this way.
Maybe it comes from being Solitary most of my life. Or all the “Witch Wars” I have been privy to. The behind the scenes politics that I have witnessed. I have been looked to as a leader multiple time and multiple times things implode. I will be the first to blame myself and the majority tend to always agree. So now it is difficult to understand why others would look up to me or seek me out for anything. I do however know I’m a GREAT example of what NOT to do, lol.
Maybe it comes from my upbringing and the things I faced there. Or the things that I survived after childhood. Perhaps my time in the military where I know my mind and soul shattered. Maybe all this. Maybe none. I just know that at the end of the day, when the fire burns low and sleep seeks each of us, I do not feel deserving or worthy of such honors. I cannot see the why or the what that others may see. But that is always the way, isn’t it?