(Insert Catchy Title) or Screw you, brain

Well. I suppose a bit of a CW;TW is fair here. Mental health/illness/problems, suicidal thoughts/ideations, and other bits of personal whining.

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Ok, should be far enough for most previews.

One of the things that I have accepted as a Lokean is that change is a constant. In my life and in the world around me. Situations arise constantly that are changing how I interact with the world and that isn’t a bad thing. Scary for some sure, but not bad. Except when it is.

You see, for some reason that I do not know I went into a major depressive state yesterday afternoon and can’t figure out the why. While life has been far from sunshine and rainbows it has actually been rather good. My family has a place of our own, plenty of food, financially stable, just in a very good place as of right now. So why my brain shifted gears from “We’re Good! We’re Good! We’re Good!” to “We need to eat a bullet!” kinda took me by surprise.

Before anyone goes there, no I’m not fucking seeking attention. I know that I am Neurodivergent and have made peace with that. Then why am I writing this? To help myself work through it. To help others they may face the same thing and know they aren’t alone or going insane for it just happening.

Honestly I’m pissed at myself for feeling this way. What fucking reason do I have to feel like this? There is no obvious reason or trigger or event that has done anything to cause this so why? Why can’t I get my shit together and just move past it? Why is it every ten minutes has me thinking about horrible things? While the logical side of me know the answers, let me tell you folks; it sure doesn’t help the emotional side that is in charge right now. The side that wants to shuffle off into Oblivion. I won’t mind you, and as of right now I’m not in danger, at least I’m pretty sure. Been down this slide before.

What is getting me is that this time there was no obvious reason. It was sudden, hard, and upside the head. No fucking discernible reason. Let me tell you, that’s something that will fuck with you. And it isn’t just depression, oh no. Brought along it’s buddies fear and anxiety as well. I also have no idea how long those three are going to hang out either. Never do.

So what the Hel am I doing writing about this here in a public forum? What does it have to do with being Lokean or Rokkatru? What the fuck, man? Simple. There are a great many who suffer in silence. Who, like me, the moment they step out of their house slip on that perfected mask and will laugh and help and do. This I have noticed especially amongst Heathens, doubly so for Lokean and the Rokkatru. Perceived weakness and all that, even if those around us see it as a fight, we see it as being weak unable to control our own minds and feelings.

Which brings me to that whole “Ask for Help” movement. FUCK. THAT. The average person has absolutely no CLUE what is takes to ask for help, to admit that we feel the way we do because of so many reasons. Fear of judgement, of being shunned like we are contagious, of losing those we love. Shame that we aren’t strong, aren’t in control, that we feel this way in the first place. Embarrassment that will cause lies about reasons to why we can’t go out, or work, or deal with everyday life. Whether true are not we feel like failures.

Writing this, just writing this, I personally feel physically ill. Nausea, light headed, near panic, racing heart, the whole thing because I am determined to publish this. More of us, especially in the Heathen/Rokkatru community need to know that we are not alone, that there are those out here like us. We need to know that we can find a safe place to take off our masks. To shift into ourselves instead of the being that we are expected to be. And a great many of us aren’t even able to do that at our best times.

I fight this every gods-damned day, and recently have kept it at bay with a LOT of help of various forms, loved ones and community not the least among them. Some of you may be asking about that, about how to find an accepting community. I wish I could tell you how to do this, but I cannot because we are each wonderfully different. For me, I made that community. I used social media and formed a group and made a page (both of which this will be posted on).

All I can say to others out there, other Lokeans, other Rokkatru, my Tribe and people is don’t give up. Asking for help is one of the hardest things any of us will ever do, and some of us may not be able to at all. For those I hope that there are those that will ask you instead. If they do, tell them honestly how you are feeling. Please.

Now if you will excuse me I have a voice to go and argue with about some unsavory things.

A bit of Rambling

WARNING: This is a brain dump, heart dump, and a me whining post. Feel free to skip.

I know, been a bit since the last post. Honestly my mind hasn’t been in a frame of mind for a good blog article and that really hasn’t changed. I’ve had no real subject strike me as worth writing about (yet) and after a recent medical procedure I have just been really rather tired. ALL. THE. TIME.

I am making steps along my Path of Ordeals with Jotunheim most recently completed, and honestly still trying to process that. Since that Ordeal dreams have been coming more and more, and while I feel they are important in some way it certainly isn’t the OMG THE EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED IN TEN DAYS type of important.

Getting lost in one’s head can be a real suck at times, at least I know it is for me. I begin to question things I know are true and real, doubt the things that are rock solid. Yes, nearly everyday. My family, my choices, my Path, all up for grabs in aisle 3: Questions and Doubts.

I’m called Ghodi by some, Elder by others, and some other worse things from a few. However when I am called these things, it is not because I have introduced myself as such or said “this is my title”. Hel knows I have never went through any kind of officially accredited program for Pagan clergy and the one time I did my money was taken and not a damn thing given in return (totally different rant). All my knowledge, all my skills are self taught, traded for, or come from being lucky enough to share campfires with knowledgeable Elders that had access to Mead. (Eyeballs a certain wizard)

So the truth is that when I am called such I am never truly sure how to react. I haven’t undergone any ceremony to be granted such a title. I am 44 and yes, my beard is white and silver, but does that make me an Elder? I have studied a great deal of lore and drawn many conclusions from it about my path, studied writings both old and new, know of rituals and magics and ceremonies, but does that make me Ghodi? When I am called these things it seems rather surreal to me. I ask myself often what makes me worthy of such names? Imposter Syndrome, it’s real folks. Here’s the kicker. I know I am not the only one to feel this way.

Maybe it comes from being Solitary most of my life. Or all the “Witch Wars” I have been privy to. The behind the scenes politics that I have witnessed. I have been looked to as a leader multiple time and multiple times things implode. I will be the first to blame myself and the majority tend to always agree. So now it is difficult to understand why others would look up to me or seek me out for anything. I do however know I’m a GREAT example of what NOT to do, lol.

Maybe it comes from my upbringing and the things I faced there. Or the things that I survived after childhood. Perhaps my time in the military where I know my mind and soul shattered. Maybe all this. Maybe none. I just know that at the end of the day, when the fire burns low and sleep seeks each of us, I do not feel deserving or worthy of such honors. I cannot see the why or the what that others may see. But that is always the way, isn’t it?