As a Lokean, I am demanded to be honest with myself no matter how painful or damning or shameful. Loki requires us to have no illusions about who we are, what we are capable of, and what we see in our reflections.
But the question becomes, what if when we look in that mirror, all we can see about ourselves are lies? For some this is narcissism (to which I have been accused of to my own shock). For others like myself the reflection shows something hideous. And these things are so ingrained into the core of our being, into our sense of Self, how can we honestly be truthful with ourselves about the reflection before us? When all our lives descriptors like worthless, ugly, fat, stupid, useless, waste of space, nothing had been used by others often enough that it became ingrained into our self image. Told you will never succeed, never be loved, never be wanted, that you were a mistake. That you are twisted or evil or damned just for what you believe in. How does that not color our reflection, become part of our identity?
I have personally been told these things and more, not just by peers but family as well. To this very day my own Self Image is lower than dirt, my self esteem near non-existent. Self confidence? Very damn little. Yet I am Lokean and look in the mirror everyday, see these things, see a twisted horrid creature staring back at me. I can’t help it. I have had years of having it beaten into me. No, I don’t want any pity. It has shaped who I am now.
How many others see the same, heard the same? How many reading this right now identify with it to the point you are nearly in tears? Being shamed for just existing. Used, abused in every conceivable way, and tossed aside like trash. How can such people see anything in their reflection other than what they have been conditioned to see?
Because choice, that is how. We may never see worth in ourselves, in our reflection. I know that I will always see the twisted horrid monstrosity when I look into my mirror. But I have learned that even though I can’t see past them, that they are that deeply ingrained, they are illusions. Glamours of hatred placed by the cruel and spite-filled. Now don’t misunderstand, I have my flaws and some of which are significant and I own that. When I make a mistake I own it. I step up and say I fucked up.
Another way to grow past and realizing what you see are lies is to use a different mirror. Use the eyes of those you KNOW love you. Look into the reflection there for it is there you will find truth. You will be able to see past the lies. And in the moment that happens, well you will begin to find many many things you thought impossible coming to pass. Maybe never to an amount of a “normal” person, but happening none the less.
For those who know me outside the virtual world and in the real one, that confidence some have seen? The self assurance? A mask created by survival instinct and longing. Fire performance and no confidence or esteem? Yup, a mask. When I dance with flame alone or with just a safety it is much different than dancing with an audience.
But how? How did I find this capacity? From Loki. The outcast, the odd man out, the one that was always the scapegoat. I learned that illusions can be pierced. I learned that there is resilience and strength in all of us, we need only find it. I am learning that I don’t HAVE to go through things alone. And these are lesson any can learn.
Yes, to some I will always be the Villain who plots the downfall of everything. The monster that will devour any who get in the way. And you know what? They aren’t wrong. There are instances when I will be both of those things and proudly, because it is needed. I can be and am a Villain. I can be the monster. Come after me or those I love and there is no wrath like the wrath of a Trickster.
Loki has taught me a great many things of the course of years. Lessons that any who would look into the mirror and see only disgust could learn, if they followed Loki or not. Find your strength. Find you resilience. You are going to get knocked down. You can either stay down or you can rise once more. Yes it is exhausting. Yes it is draining. No it isn’t easy and never gets easier. But that reflection in your mirror? It will start to change a bit. You will notice you stand a bit straighter. You’re a little less disgusted. A little less ashamed.
So what does your reflection hold?